snowuggA few years ago, I stayed with friends in England and because I never travel anywhere without them, I took my Ugg Boots. These were new to the UK at the time and were hugely admired by my hosts. When evening came, we got ready to go out, and my friends asked ‘Aren’t you going to wear your lovely boots down the pub?’ Well no, I wasn’t.

 Now they are on sale from Cardiff to Cairo, and there seems to be a worldwide misunderstanding of when to wear Ugg Boots. Firstly you don’t go out in them. It’s like taking the treasured family pet to the shops in the snow. You simply don’t do it.

Now I’m talking about real Ugg Boots here, of course, not those disgusting pink things, that look like they are manufactured from the skin of My Little Pony. We are talking selected sheepskin of the finest quality with lacing and stitching and a nice rubber sole, in case it’s damp in the atrium. Ugg Boots stay indoors, to wear them out in other than approved circumstances is like wearing a tiara to the races. It is just not done.

Approved circumstances? This example is for your second best Uggs only. You are at the beach and it has been a long hot day, and you just slipped on a cashmere cardie with your shorts. It’s time to wear your second best Uggs while a delicious sun-kissed surfer fires up the barbecue and an evening of guitar and watching the sunset gets under way. Or you have to go from your trailer to the location in costume, let’s say it’s a bikini. It’s a bit cold, and your pedicure might get scratched by the sand, the perfect Ugg Boot time (sadly not for most of us). You are also allowed to wear them on your private plane, but never in the airport terminal.

Now men might think that this does not apply to them, or Ugg Boots are too girly. Tom Cruise has a pair, which he wears in a film with Nicole Kidman. And I would bet Keith Urban has a pair. Baz Lurhman too, and Hugh Jackman. Nicole would have sent them each a pair for Xmas. Here the basic rules of Uggbootology still apply, except you are allowed to wear your second best black pair while mending your Harley in the garage.

A final warning. Ugg Boots can make you look fat. Did you know this? Here’s how. Examine your boots. They should be made of very thick, soft sheepskin, but look inside, and you will find they don’t have the structure of a good Manolo Blanik. This lack of structure means that when you walk; you slouch, like a full shopping bag. Ugg Boots are designed for lounging, not striding. A truly awful sight is the Westfield Ugg. These are usually pink and worn with shorts or a mini. When you walk, your foot is not supported, and you walk like Oprah between diets. Ugg Boots are proudly Australian – so now let’s show the world how to wear them.