Loss

Back from Rome after an amazing trip that has changed me in so many ways. There is an optimism inside me that has got lost just recently and I started to think how I might change my behaviour and attitude to bring it back. The problem is me. Loss is an odd thing. Sometimes things are gone – forever – you can’t get them back. Like when someone dies. They are gone and that is it. Finito. No way you can kick against that. I have had my share of that like most people; parents, partners, baby, friends. They are gone and no amount of futile screaming will bring them back. I grind my heels in and get on with it.

I have lost things. This week I lost a chapter of my book. Not a lot in the scheme of things. I have given myself a damn good kick and changed my back-up routine. It should not have happened and it is my own fault. Of course, those words are lost; I can’t recall them. When I stop beating myself up for my own stupidity then I will go back to work and maybe write it better than before. There is an necklace that has gone astray somewhere around the world. I am hopeful it will show up. Things do. I got my name from a woman who lost her wedding ring in the sea and found it the next day on the beach. That is incredible luck. Strangely I did the same thing with a gold bracelet on the same stretch of beach. It came back chewed by someone’s dog, but it came back and I still have it.

Somewhere in August I lost a friend and that is dragging me down. I became fond of him; the sound of his voice, our conversations. They mattered. We got too close and blew it all. I have a temper and sometimes my anger gets the better of me. Most people think I am justified – I was treated badly. The loss of friendship is awful and it seems such a little thing to fix, but it can’t be fixed.

Get over it and get on.